KJ always asks me advice on what she’s wearing before we go out. “Do these shoes match this top?” “How do these pants look?” “Belt or no belt?” And every time, I literally respond the same way, “I don’t know.” I honestly have no clue what to say.
I am not a follower of fashion. My “look” has consisted of a T-shirt and jeans scenario since I can remember and my haircut hasn’t changed since the 8th grade (the year I did away with my bowl cut).
She tells me to just look at her, and answer this simple question, “do these match or not???” Here’s the problem… it always matches. And always looks good to my eye. She can’t look bad in anything to me.
The reason I stick with my, “I don’t know” answer is because I don’t want to send her out into the world looking like a freak. I have a fear that we’ll be out and she’ll turn to me and say something like, “people are giving me looks, I knew this top didn’t match these shoes, why did you say they looked good???” I can’t do that to her. So, I just say, “I don’t know” to everything. She’ll reply, “but you’re an artist (of sorts), you have opinions on EVERYTHING. Why can’t you just tell me if this looks good???” “I don’t know.”
Is that fair? Should I know more about women’s fashion? Or give her more of an opinion? How does it work with you? Do you ask your mate how you look?
Here’s the worst part, and I hate to admit this, but before we go out, I ALWAYS ask her how I look. If my shirt fits right, my hair, etc. Is it fair for me to ask her, and for her to always respond, but for her to ask me, and for me to always say, “I don’t know”?
here’s what you do – if you are headed somewhere that you can’t wait to attend, say “Yes, that’s perfect.” and off you go! If you are headed somewhere you don’t want to go then tell her “No, it’s not working” She’ll keep changing clothes and you keep offering up the same response until she finally gives up, complains she has nothing to wear and just wants to stay home now. That is what we call – Win, Win.
I love the picture!! If she gives you a choice, pick what you like. She values your opinion. If she EVER says “do I look fat in this?”, ALWAYS say, “no, of course not.” No woman should ever ask their man that question though.
Do I think its fair that you ask for her opinion on what your wearing and she gives it to you, while she asks for your opinion on what she’s wearing and you give a cop out answer every time? No, I really don’t think that is fair. I would agree with her that you have more of an opinion than, “I don’t know,” but that’s because I’m coming from a background of having a husband who does give me valuable feedback when I’m asking him “this, or this,” or “does this go with this?” I can guarantee you that his advice has never led me astray, I’ve always appreciated and valued it, and I am sure that you would never lead KJ astray either, and it would only lead to her appreciating you more, not less.
Clearly your relationship has issues that don’t fall into the common issues that most other couples have. I mean “Deal or No Deal”, and now how to dress you significant other. The best solution that comes to my mind is for you to always chose color combinations that YOU like to see her dressed in, BUT always preface your response with “Well I like the ____ one”. If you tell her she looks better in one or the other, without clearing yourself of all blame first, then she has the right to complain later. If someone comments on her outfit after you stated that “you like the ___ one”, then you are in the clear because it is only your opinion.
Yes, it’s fair that you ask her, but have no answer when she asks you, because she has a fabulous sense of fashion and style, and you, admittedly, don’t. KJ is the one who brings that asset to the relationship, not you. My hubby is dyslexic, and I’m a super-nerdy wordy person, so is it fair that he can ask me how to spell something, but I can never ask him? Of course it is, because it’s ok that you bring your strengths to the table and she brings hers.
And I totally feel your pain, Daphne has inherited K, K & K’s exacting and discriminating tastes in fashion, but I have the exact same sense of fashion that you do. The clothes that she thinks would be an utter fashion disaster look exactly the same to me as the expensive clothes that she NEEDS to buy! But yet she still asks me which shirt she should buy. My answer: None of them! Wear MY old clothes! LOL.
However, I agree with other commenters here that even though she’s SAYING “Does this match,” maybe what she MEANS is “Do you like the way I look,” or “which one of these do you like better” or “do you think I’m hot in this outfit.” So maybe instead of always answering “I don’t know,” you could come up with an equally non-committal reply that praises her beauty while giving a wide berth to actual fashion advice.
Bottom line: If she wants your approval and validation of her appearance, you can totally help her with that. If she actually wants you to rescue her from a fashion faux pas, she’s on her own. LOL! 🙂
Well put Jennifer! I love your spelling analogy. Also, for the record, when I ask “How does this look?” or “Do I look good?” The answer is always “GREAT!” and “YES!” There’s no shortage of compliments. It’s just when I ask if my purse matches my shoes he gets stuck.
I think you should at least try to answer. You have an opinion, buried deep down inside, and she wants to hear it. It may not be a *fashionable* opinion, but there is something. Just re-phrase the question. You might not be able to know how fashionable is, but I bet you could tell whether or not something fits. Or find another difference to comment on. For example, I bet if she were to try on two tops, and ask you, “Which makes me look hotter?” You could probably tell her. Or you could talk about what color you like more.
Paul used to claim he had no opinion, until we got in to a bit of a fight and I told him he’d better come up with something, even if that something was as stupid and moronic as, “I think that blue is prettier than the other blue.” or “I like the stripes because they are manlier than flowers.” Now he is pretty helpful because he brings up things I honestly wouldn’t notice or think of,
And I feel a lot better, because saying you “don’t know” (in other words, “I have no opinion”) really equates to just saying, “I don’t care,” which adds up to a lot of not caring after awhile. At the very least, we all just want a sounding board in life. No one wants to feel like they exist in a vacuum where no one really cares or notices or has an opinion about the things that they are interested in. Just think of how you’d feel if, every single time you asked her opinion about something you wrote she said, “I don’t know.”